The Writer's Block - BlueSea14's Journal

Dear Rita...

2009-05-03T00:58:43Z

Dear Rita,

Hey, how have you been? I haven't seen you in about a week and a half now. It's very sad. I'd invite myself over to your house to see how you're doing, but unfortunately for me, I'm still banned from driving because of the pain meds that I'm not even taking anymore. Go figure. And Jeffrey keeps going to visit his friends after school. Shared car? *snort. Yeah, right.

Anyway...

If you saw "Supernatural" Thursday night (April 30) then...OH MY GLIFF! THAT WAS FREAKIN' OH...MY...GLIFF!

And if you didn't, still OH MY GLIFF! but with an added YOU HAVE TO SEE IT!

There's just so much to talk about for that one. We'll talk about that later, though, sweetie. ;)

You know, it's odd how everyone keeps missing school. First me, out for a week. Then Zach was out for a long time too, and you--I'm not sure with the timeline for you two, but I think that he was gone for the last part of the week I missed and I know I saw you Monday for certain. Although I was busy with ASB stuff on Tuesday during lunch, so my apologies if you were gone and that went over my head. :( And then Sarah was out this Thursday and Friday. I'm wondering who will be gone next week. It's really rather sad that we can't all wait for summer to ditch school. ;)

I'm eating dinner as I type. I really don't like hot dogs very much. I always end up removing the hot dog halfway through and eating just the bun, mayo, and cheese (yes, mayo and cheese on a hot dog--it's really quite good). And Dad was hungry when he went shopping in Trader Joe's today, so he bought a bunch of food we don't really need. Like TJ's brand Fritos. They taste as good as the brand-name ones, though, and are probably healthier. Go figure.

Oh, you've been gone, so I didn't get to tell you yet. My German teacher is out for the rest of the year. You know how she has all those health problems and et cetera? Well, her doctors have told her she should go on disability for about three weeks now. And on Monday, she fell in class--passed out cold. Security kicked us to the library. She came back Wednesday to tell us that was her last day. On Friday, we had Mr. Keltner as a sub (he's one of our favorites), and he told us that we have a Spanish teacher for the rest of the year. Yeah, a Spanish teacher.

And I think I've babbled on long enough, now, to entertain you for a while. Have I fulfilled your requirements for another Rita-centric entry to my journal? ;) :D

BlueSea14

Additional Piece

2009-04-15T02:23:26Z

So, the same notebook I wrote the first poem of today in contained this one, and I thought I'd share it, too. I'd forgotten that I wrote it... :)

Beauty

A swan is ugly--
A wayward spirit,
A shadow, or the reflection of one
Drifting on a dark blue lake--
     Ice, glass, shallow, smooth--
Bright in the depth of night,
With silver slicing rays, shimmering;
The swan is a puzzle-picture,
Body covered by the down of youth,
Spattered with the feathers of maturity
And so white--
     Snow, cloud, paper, salt--
That moonlight casts an ethereal glow
With a spark in eyes that are so serious--
     Coal, dark, night, thread--
And a sharp beak,
Set in a plain-feathered face,
Which other birds coo--
     Shy, smart, silent, sweet--
The swan sees none of these in the water,
Floating with a serence clumsiness,
A part of the lake, one of her fellows;
It is the lake that pieces the puzzle,
The lake that creates the illusion of beauty--
A swan is ugly.

And...yeah, that wraps that up.

Overreating Angst (Again, I know...)

2009-04-15T02:11:09Z

So, I've been doing pretty well for a while. I'd like to thank those readers who sent me comments asking if I was well--I really appreciate the thought. I assure you, I'm perfectly fine--I just overreact, and I have bad days.

Speaking of which, I'm feeling down again, and I found this old poem that I wrote a while back but never put up here. I experimented with a specific style of poetry, but I played around with it a little, the way "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop did. That was my inspiration for trying my hand at a villanelle.

Enjoy. Or, er, not...

To Catch More Flies

Sweet honey forms words with
strength, like that of death, to
narrate the eulogy to the truth.

Questioning, careful pain is wroung in
self in sky in love-ly dancing puppets
which, drenched in honey, form words.

Illuminate faultlines between phrases--the
lost books, such utter necessity to
the unfinished eulogy to truth.

From impartial and sure iron pen springs
forth dark, wild, ribbonned ink to
form honey-laden words. A cover,

then, for the other, the known, the
novels. The language of life is yet
an eulogy to the truth.

Vinegar spills across the page--
vitriolic, delightful, too mature,
while honey stains and sticks
words to form a eulogy.

I mus admit, the current situation I'm in fits this poem even better than the original situation that led to the creation of this piece of poetry.

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you. Thanks for reading. :)

More poetry...

2008-11-20T01:05:40Z

First, I'd like to thank those few people who sent comments--your words made me feel better!

Unfortunately, right now I'm back in the "life sucks" mood. I wrote these two poems during school--one yesterday, one today. It makes me feel better to get this out on paper, and to type it out, so I wanted to share these with you, too.

As If I Don't Know

The willow bends in the strong breeze
When her bark is darkly stained with sickness;
When her core is soft and rotted from termites;
And when the hurricane is undeniable,
She longs to be firm once more--strong,
Roots dug deep to soak in the soil's richness--
To drink of earth and steady stream:
But a heated fury, a drought,
Bearing dried brush and thus, fire,
Has left the soil leached of goodness;
It has stranded her by a dry riverbed:
The willow has always had drooping branches--
Wild vines wound 'round her trunk--
Her leaves, never quite turgid from water,
Are now blackened with the rest of her--
The sweeping, roaring flames,
Tongues of treachery, of betrayal--in her home!--
Have left nothing in their wake--
Just a sooty wasteland, standed amid flourishing forest:
She knew the wildfire was coming,
Even as she dug her roots deep and sought the sun,
Her base--her ground--crumbling beneath,
Falling into an empty river--
And still, her grip on the soil can't quite break--
How can she give up her hope for spring rains?
What else is there, but the promise of summer?--
She cannot give up the thoughts of spring,
For they are her life--they are her prayers,
After the burning wildfire ripped through--
Destruction with scorched seedlings...
Sometimes she wonders how birds fly;
She's certan she will always fall.

So, that's the first one, from yesterday. Today, I came up with this:

Rationalization

With a quiet fall to the branch below,
A parrot digs her claws deep:
A stubborn grip from a flashy, vivid bird,
Her feathers are thinned with familiarity;
They enclose her thin body with layers
Of spindle fibers and wiry muscles:
The crimson, ocean, grass, sun;
Every tropical rainbow shade stands out
Among the darker, deeper forest:
From the mirror sky drifts a second parrot,
A falling leaf, sinking to perch on the branch,
Her grip is stubborn strong, but brittle--
Like her new companion, all too eager
To let go of her comfortable grip--
Her downy wings of dark ocean,
And lighter sky tracing lines with clouds:
Subtle is she, yet solid and there--
They are both free to soar, unrooted,
More likely to fly rather than stalk the earth,
For parrots are not made
To live with the willow, in the forest,
As they both are there, yet cannot at one 'tick...tock':
The trees cannot support their weight--
It's why they fly--
As they're springboards for the birds to lead off,
And so, with merely a flutter, just two,
Tropical birds spiral
Into mirror-ocean, dimmer blue
Not a glance behind.

This one kind of built off the last poem, since both mention the willow and I was thinking of the same subject as I wrote them. Anyway, angst aside, I think that this helped me calm down some, and work through a bit of emotion.

Either way, I'm still a bit bitter and unhappy, but I guess that's just life, now, isn't it? :)

Thanks for reading!

Hearts and hugs, guys. :D

Poetry

2008-10-23T04:07:26Z

This is my angst journal, after all. I know my problems really aren't all that terrible, but they hurt me, so I'm just going to throw up the poem because it really helps me release my stress when I write. And concentrating on getting a poem just right is actually pretty hard work. I think that this one's at "okay" status, so...

feel

     feeling this - victimized
tears
    behind my eyes; i should not -
stubborn donotcare -
but no, i do
             i do care
i know what           this
                              reaction is,
            that it is one, but can you stop your mind?
say somthing?
                           how - i know what you really mean
tell you?
                           how - you don't mean anything by it
speak up?
                           how - i know you don't mean to
             i know
             i know you don't mean it-
painhurtworrystressfear-
             i know what i know
    but to convince my mind, to listen to my heart -
                            mind over matter -
     is not easy. no, but i try. and maybe, despite
painhurtworrystressfear
                         you do to.
          yes? no?
   i think i know you
   i know you know you
                                        ?

And the second poem (yes, there are two - I felt this crappy today):

Ridiculous

Her heart:
jagged, torn, stomped; duct-tape and staples.
Her mind:
disjointed, suspicious; lonely, the same.

There is no reason.

                No deep, dark secret in her past. No
                reason at all for warinessweariness
She has experienced less than her friends.
She has a nearly perfect life - except for
                                                                     herself.
   This is the Obstacle.        this
                                             reaction
        Three levels, imprisoned in paper and pen,
        One and a half, born from ashes
          and still the repetition of weakness.
She
       falls
               into
                     this
                           pattern.
She believes conspiracy, corruption - hates and loves
          lies and steals
                                        is.
                     Who she is.
                     Who is she.
She asks: who am I?
   Who is "me"?
   Who is ths stranger in my skin?
She asks: Where is my place in life, if I cannot keep
                            myself from doubting daisies?
Must she guess?
Must she fear yellowpetaledfriendliness?

Yeah, that's my dark angst of the day. One month and counting, now, and still nothing. Like I expected anything to happen when I won't say anything. @@ Anyway - sorry to have dulled your day with my self-centered freaking out.

Carry on. :D

BlueSea14

Breaking Dawn Review Reply

2008-09-06T22:08:06Z

Okay, so, I posted this reply to a review from "bbnax" who reviewed my story "Sunrise". And it's about "Breaking Dawn", and I wrote it while I was infuriated about the response that she gave me.

Anyway, I decided it was too long to leave up in the chapter, but I didn't want to just delete it, so I decided I'd push it over to here.

Before you get to it, however, I'd like to add one more thing. "bbnax" replied to me after I posted this, and I want to make it clear to all of you: I am trying to express MY opinion. I am NOT telling you that this is the only way anyone can think, and that this is the only opinion that is right. No, it's not, it's just my opinion, and how I do not agree with the review and why. So please, do not think I am trying to force my opinions on you. I sincerely do not mean to try and force you to think anything, because that's impossible. So...just keep that in mind, okay? Thank you!

“Bella didn't have to sacrifice anything apparently. She gets Edward AND a baby AND immortality as a vampire. What about poor Jake--not a problem, he IMPRINTS on the baby, which I find disturbing not so much because it is a baby (though that is creepy just as it was with Quil) but because it's Edward and Bella's baby. Can we say cop out? Life doesn't turn out so neatly. People love and lose (and don't fall for the object of their affection's daughter). But in Meyer's world everyone is one big happy family.”

Bella did sacrifice to get what she wanted – that’s the point. She gave up her mortality (and if Edward’s right, her SOUL), and she gave up a normal life. The very fact that she gets immortality, Edward, and a baby whom Jacob imprinted on PROVES the point that she gave up a normal life.

And maybe you can view Jacob’s imprinting as a cop-out; maybe you can see it as creepy. That’s your opinion. I think I’d like to remind you all that Quil imprinting on Claire? Yeah, that’s not romantic, like Jacob’s on Nessie isn’t romantic. The girls are too young; therefore the wolves don’t see them that way. They act like the girl’s best protectors/brothers/friends in the world, and that has no hint of romantic interest. The romance comes when the GIRLS are old enough. It’s not like that yet.

I like to go with what Bella said, on the subject of Jacob, in that she thought things “got messed up along the way” and now they’re finally set right. The fact that Jacob imprinted on Nessie was the reason he needed to be around Bella the entire time. He needed to be there for the eventuality of Nessie. Have you heard of fate? I think I like the fate factor in this set-up: if it weren’t for Jacob, Nessie wouldn’t be. If it weren’t for Nessie, Jacob wouldn’t have been there.

Also, life is depressing enough with George W. Bush as our president. Who wants to read a story with a depressing ending on top of that living hell? I look to reading as an escape from reality, not the continuation of it.

So, girls don't worry. If you have problems, they will ALL work out. Is that what the author wants to tell her fans?

Oh, yes. Bella didn’t have to struggle at ALL. Bella didn’t have to give up her mortality, or face the prospect of DYING because Edward might have killed her when he changed her. She certainly didn’t face hardship and struggle – “New Moon” ring any bells? – and of course, she never ONCE wondered if she wouldn’t get her happy ending. She certainly NEVER struggled with a REAL problem, like confusion between her feelings for two boys.

I consider this the most ridiculous over-generalizing statement. Bella does have her problems. She has real problems set in a fantasy world. And I certainly don’t read the books and say, “Gee, this in this fiction book everything turned out perfectly. I bet my life is going to be perfect too.” That’s just plain stupid.

“Or is it marriage and family by 18 are the way to go, forget about college, developing as a person, all you need is a husband and a child.”

So…being a teenage slut, going out and sleeping with boys instead of choosing to stay in a solid relationship – we SHOULD be looking up to that instead? (Notice: I do not mean that if you are having sex and in college, you're a slut: my point is that I don't see what is wrong with promoting a strong relationship like that which Edward and Bella have. Apologies if I have inadvertantly offended you). That’s what the celebrities we admire right now advertise. That’s what every girl sees in the media – sluts and other various bad things – so why in the world do you complain about a girl who is choosing to actually get married and have a family ‘the right way’?

“No disrespect to people who marry at 18, but Meyer paints a glorified picture of the situation; most 18 years old aren't going to have an endless supply of money and never worry about how the lack of an education will affect their future.”

And…OBVIOUSLY normal eighteen-year-olds don’t get married or have endless supplies or money, or think about the lack of education. Are we forgetting that this is set in a fantasy world, where they are vampires with all the time in the world? That’s not a normal situation; it’s a fiction book. That’s why they have the money and lack of education: in THEIR world, it doesn’t apply. I think that everyone outside of their world – namely, in real life – has a better grasp of reality when they’re eighteen. And if they don’t…well, then our world is definitely more messed up than it already is.

Additionally, as "Jupitercrash" told me:

"The Cullens are all extremely educated. What on earth made anyone think that Bella wouldn't pursue an education once things settled down enough for her to do so? A lot of people have a 'gap year' in between their primary and secondary education. A lot of people don't go to school straight away. Just because she didn't, doesn't mean she won't. We just will have to speculate on that. I cannot imagine that she or Edward would be satisfied for her to just sit throughout eternity without an education. Bella is too intelligent to let her brain atrophy."

“Yes, this is a novel, a fantasy, we shouldn't expect or require realism--then why go the mommy route at all? Just focus on Bella and Edward. Bella didn't want children, yet when she finds out she's pregnant she doesn't even freak out; she's carrying a vampire's child and it's just "my heart had grown, swollen up to twice its size in that moment.”

“Going the mommy route” is another component of that happy-life image that EVERY woman, regardless of age or even year of birth, is exposed to. Everything in our lives – from way back in history to the present day – says that girls should want to be mothers. Everything. Why are you picking on one book?

Bella might not have wanted children – but isn’t that also realistic, that women who don’t particularly want children end up pregnant sometimes? And isn’t it also REALITY that these women – many times (with the many other tragic times where this is not the case)– also end up loving their children? And just because Bella didn’t scream or throw a tantrum or start sobbing doesn’t mean she didn’t freak out. Instead of acting out about her fear, she internalized it. That’s the character she is: that’s the person SM created. And she loves Edward – if a woman found out she was pregnant by the man she truly loved, and she was already MARRIED to him, is it really so far out of the realm of reality to consider that she would love the baby, too?

“Or is the author's message be passive and let others take care of you (what if there is no one else--no, no, girls, there is ALWAYS someone).”

I don’t see how Bella let anyone take care of her. She was determined to be herself, all the time. Edward left, she was heartbroken. Yes, that was extreme depression. And she leaned on Jacob – her FRIEND, and don’t people who are heartbroken usually lean on their FRIENDS? I think that she became stronger after “New Moon” – let’s imagine, for a moment, that you’ve lost the love of your life, he said he didn’t want you, you’re depressed for a long time, and suddenly you have him back.

This would destroy most people. They would refuse to take their love back – or they would take them back, and become different people. Either way, they wouldn’t be the same person anymore. I saw no change in Bella: she was the same strong character. She knew who she was, and she knew what she wanted. She’s always known that she wants Edward – what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with needing a person in your life? Humans are naturally social creatures: we need to trust at least some people in order to feel complete in and of ourselves. That’s how we are. So…what’s the problem with this, again?

“One of my big issues with the series is how Bella has never had outside interests beyond Edward (or Jake), that she's not an independent person.”

So, what? It’s better to be boy-crazy? How is that a better message to send to young girls?

And Bella has always been an independent character. She’s never fit in with people and knows it, but that doesn’t make her lock herself away. Instead, she stays pleasant and kind, instead of internalizing anger and becoming vindictive because she doesn’t feel like she can fit in. She knows her mind, and she knows what she wants. Even the big, scary vampire can’t make her think anything differently. Whether Edward is teasing her or genuinely being scary, she isn’t afraid of him – because she loves him and she knows it. She is strong-minded and strong-willed.

“Don't even get me started on Bella's power.”

Her mind was strong – I’ve already said that. And Bella is a naturally protective person – she always worries about others, always wants to keep them safe. I think her ability to shield her family and friends, her loved ones, from the danger that the Volturi represent is a wonderful way to show physically what she feels emotionally.

“Also, the explanation of why Edward can get Bella pregnant is ridiculous considering the rules Meyer originally established for her world.”

My theory, as presented to a reviewer who asked for it:

First of all, it's been cleared that SM made the point to say it was female vampires that could not have children, and that most bodily fluids were replaced with venom. Therefore, I thought that if the venom didn't replace the semen, it must have simply changed it somehow. Carlisle and Jacob had that talk in the book, about the differences between vampire, werewolf and human physiology, and that vampires have twenty-five chromosomes, werewolves twenty-four, and humans twenty-three. Therefore, something did get changed in vampire DNA when they were transformed. This means that the semen would be different from human, which was why Carlisle thought that Bella and Edward wouldn't be compatible and didn't think to warn them. However, that obviously wasn't the case and therefore, Renesme came to exist - a half-vampire, half-human hybrid, because of the non-matching chromosomal pairs between them somehow combining in just the right genetic way to create a baby.

Does that clear it up?

“The best fantasy, horror, and science fiction stories all have a morality/deeper element to them. Fairy tales, as they were originally designed, were meant to teach children a valuable lesson. This does not (and should not) lessen the entertainment value of a story, but I think it's a cop out to say "it's a fantasy," as if that excuses anything. If you look at Lord of the Rings, The Hero and the Crown, The Phantom Tollbooth, The Last Unicorn, Harry Potter, Stoker's original Dracula novel, The Prydain Chronicles, The Little Prince--all of them deal with themes of sacrifice, choice, gaining wisdom, growing as a person, and/or are thought provoking/contain deeper messages.”

And the Twilight saga doesn’t have meaning to it? What about the ever-universal ‘love’, ‘loss’ and ‘gain’, and ‘sacrifice’, ‘choice’, ‘knowledge’, ‘growth’? Oh, wait; are most of those listed there? And let’s add ‘fate’ and ‘betrayal’ to that list.

Love is shown Bella’s feelings for Edward; how there is more than one type of love in the world; how one can struggle to deal with two loves at once; friendship, family, romantic, maternal, paternal, for a sibling, for a parent…

Loss is resolved with gain, showing that good things can happen to good people. In real life, good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people more often than good on good and bad on bad, but it is possible.

Sacrifice – well, Bella sacrificed, didn’t she? She knowingly chose to give some things up, and it’s not her fault that some of those things came back to her. But overall, she did let some things go – the most important being her humanity. She’s no longer human. What would motivate a person to give up their humanity? What can make a person do that? And what kind of things would make a human in real life give up their humanity – not in an ‘I’m a vampire’ way, but in the ways that create rapists and serial killers, people like Hitler? That’s giving up humanity, too – how can we compare Bella to them? I consider that a deeper meaning, something to think deeply about. Because, plain and simple, she gave up being human.

Choice goes along with sacrifice, as does knowledge. And growth ties in to loss, as well as knowledge. Let’s not forget fate: Jacob was there for Nessie, and if it weren’t for Jacob, Nessie might not be there. Edward was changed into a vampire at seventeen, and if he hadn’t he’d never have met Bella.

And fate also goes with betrayal – if James and his coven never came to Forks, Laurent would never have met Irina. The Denali coven wouldn’t have stayed away from the battle involving the werewolves. Irina wouldn’t have come and seen Nessie, and gone to the Volturi.

All these interconnecting ideas that I associate closely with the book are proven in the actions written on every page. The Twilight sage has meaning – you look for it, like you would any other book. Let’s see “Harry Potter” for a moment – many people seem to think it’s evil or something along those lines. That’s a bit more extreme than saying it has no substance, but it’s the same root point: they say there’s no meaning to it, that it’s there for one thing only.

Well, isn’t that what you’re saying about the Twilight series, or at least “Breaking Dawn”, by writing it off as something that is mere fluff and for-the-masses?

...That's all. Again, I don't mean to disrespect anyone or try and force you all to think that I'm the only one who's right. This is MY opinion, okay? You have your side, and I acknowledge it. Thanks.

Anyway...that's all for today. :D

BlueSea14

Semi-Happy! Yay! :D

2008-06-16T16:25:27Z

So, some good news and some bad news.

Good first - Holocaust contest. I was a Finalist! YES! And they did have a presentation/viewing of the entries and et cetera! (At a bank, but come on, it was still so cool!)

School is out and it's summer vacation! And today is my last day at home - we're leaving at noon for Anaheim so we can spend the night down there, closer to the airport, so we can get on our early-morning flight to Florida! And Disneyworld!

And...yeah. :D

Now, bad news, and I'll put it in the cut-thing so that if you don't want to read unhappy news you don't have to.

Bad news - my grandpa died on the last day of school. So I had to leave my friend's house early so we could go to my aunt's house to prepare funeral stuff.

The problem with that isn't that he died, though. The problem is...him. He was married to my grandma for 30 years - during all 30 of those years, he was cheating on her. Then, twelve years ago, he divorced grandma and went to marry this other woman - who has children that are supposedly from her first marriage, but the oldest son looks exactly like grandpa.

Anyway, we went down to Porterville - a small town with small minds - because that was where my aunt and grandma live. Even though he cheated on her, she still loves him. @@ So, on the way there, we got a call from one of my aunts to talk about the situation.

Apparently, Madeline - the woman grandpa left grandma for - called my aunt about arranging things for the funeral. And she told my aunt that they had never been married - when, for twelve-plus years, she and grandpa had been telling everyone they were married. But, nope, turns out that they were never married - because that way, she could still collect her dead husband's social security money.

Since they weren't married, she couldn't do anything about his body. So she had to call us, confess and ask for help. And money. Because somehow, the cost was $1,800 - in case you didn't realize that, it's a ridiculous amount of money for a cremation.

Anyway, we went back this Friday for the service for grandpa. Ignoring all that drama attached to his death, you know - I thought .... I don't know what I thought would happen there, at the service.

But we got there, and the preacher for some small local church goes on about how, from the descriptions of grandpa that he recieved, that grandpa seemed like such a generous, giving man who was never selfish or thoguht only of himself.

And my older cousins talked about how he was always so much fun, and how they always wanted to sit by grandpa on Christmas because he made things fun, and how he took them out to do stuff together and et cetera.

Yeah - the first memory I have of grandpa is at my uncle David's funeral, back in November. Last year. That's the only memory I have of him.

So to hear that he was still a part of my family's life...the man left. He moved to Phoenix, Arizona, with his "wife" (mistress). He did not talk to us at all. He didn't stay in touch with my aunt Maria after her husband died, and grandma said something that ended up with my dad, mom, and Maria pretty much cutting off all contact with the rest of the family for six years.

And yet he found the time to go up to Portervillle, Nowheresville, where his ex-wife lived, and spent time with his family there? That's further from Arizona than we are - that's a longer drive and a longer time committment. He couldn't have stopped by - called, even - to say hi?

Anyway...that's my angst of the day. Time to be happy.

So. Yeah, I think I'm looking forward to my Florida trip. :D

BlueSea14

bookworm_rose @ 2008-04-29T19:15:00

2008-04-30T02:22:04Z

This was my entry to the Holocaust Contest. *Sigh* I'm sad again, just reading it... :(

To Follow The Raven

A Rabe lands on the fence.

Silky black feathers cuddle her body close, creating effortless shelter against the sleet. Drops of moisture roll from the bird’s wingtips as she flutters thrice and settles, on sentry duty. Sharp, raw talons curve around the rust-speckled wires that pen in this camp’s occupants.

She is slightly smaller than the rest that flock on either side of her, taking their positions along the rooftops and chains. But she seems to command her coven, taking center stage of the intimidating lineup.

One of her beady eyes meets mine before I must turn my head away.

I can’t risk being caught without focus on my task. Here, almost anything can get you in trouble, and hurt.

Looking at an Aufseherin earns you a bullet in the heart. Lifting your head from your duties leads to a bullet in your head. Walking slowly means you get a bullet in the back – but if you walk too fast, and the Aufseherin who sees you doesn’t like it, then you are gunned down from a high vantage point.

You get shot for many things here.

Ravensbrück is a harsh place, a cruel camp for the women of my dear country. Deutschland has never, in my knowledge of history, been so heartless a nation towards those of my culture, but Herr Hitler has decreed that his Vaterland has no need of us in civilized society. This has become our society; a walled and caged group of women who are under constant guard, and always work.

My hands crack and peel under the strain of the labor that has been laid at our feet. We have been told that we must labor for the Vaterland in confinement, in this camp that is not a pleasant, happy place – but a terrible one, a center for harsh treatment, cruel punishment, and constant fear.

Some of the alten Damen believe that we won’t be allowed to leave once our work here is complete. No Aufseherin has said anything about us leaving in the first place, so I know not where the idea came from. It most likely sprung out of the hope that is dwindling by the day: the things that they say are happening elsewhere are terrible.

The alten Damen never say these things around any younger women, those they consider mere girls – at least, not when they think they can be heard. As a Fraulein myself, I just manage to overhear some of their words when they speak late at night. And even though I am nearing siebzehn, my Mutti will not tell me the rumors herself. I am supposed to be asleep when the alten Damen, one of whom my Mutti is, speak of our situation.

She does not realize that many nights, I cannot sleep until I hear that many have already fallen into slumber. Then, I know that we have all made it past another tiring day of working.

I wish that it were sonnig on this day. The sleet and lightning are just as frightening as the cold, abysmal night. The only difference is that there is sunlight hiding behind the dark, gloomy clouds. Here, nothing hides in the utter darkness of the night except for more pain and more fear.

Those omnipresent pressures feel as heavy as bricks upon my back.

This is a terrifying place, this camp named almost like that glossy-winged bird on the fence. Not only do the Aufseherin keep us running like rabid dogs at our tasks each and every day, but also the hostile feel of the darkness pressing down on us from all sides keeps our spirits low.

Many a Fraulein beside myself tries to improve upon the spirits of the other workers. When an Aufseherin comes near we are all silent. But in the barracks and in our beds, when the guards are all tucked away in their own places, we have the opportunity to speak without the same fears of the day.

The volume must be kept down, of course. We haven’t had a raid of our living space yet, for I think the wardens do not care to venture into the rank and rotting quarters we’ve been assigned. But Fraulein and Frau alike know this stipulation without question, and as such knowledge is commonplace we simultaneously agree to keep our voices quiet without even considering discussing it.

Many an evening, the soft murmuring whisper of voices is all that can lull me to sleep when I am bone-weary and exhausted, and cannot stand to try and stay up to hear the alten Damen converse. The knowledge that my Schwestern and Tanten are around me, warding off the blackness of night, offers a little comfort from the harsh reality that has become my present and ever-continuing state.

All of us here have become tragically used to the conditions. It is still impossible to comprehend – but understanding is something that we need not do. Accepting and surviving are our goals, where there were once futile pleas for mercy and distraught petitions for an answer to the repeated questions.

“Warum?” we shouted as we were placed in this iron pen.

“Wie konntest du?” mothers cried as their children were torn from their arms.

“Was ist das?” everyone cried in fear as the steel doors locked before our faces, enclosing us in this prison with an alien landscape.

Sometimes I fear that our confinement here shall be forever. Sometimes I think that the Rabe on the fence is just there to laugh at us, to mock us with her black-feathered freedom.

A few of us might be saved. This is the only hope clung to. More than one Fraulein thinks that we only have to wait this out for a little while longer, and when the time comes, these injustices will be righted.

The world will be restored to its proper places, become neat ornaments lined up on a fireplace mantle again. Our Väter and Brüder will be outside those chain-mail walls, waiting for our return. In some cases, a Mutter will be with them, arms stretched out to her baby girl. This is the common dream for many a Fraulein.

My heart longs for this to be true. I know it isn’t.

Mutti always said I was pessimistic, but I prefer to believe that I am realistic.

The world is not a nice place. It doesn’t lift you up when you are down, and neither does it try to help you when you are trapped and waiting for death.

It’s a flying Rabe that watches you, and times itself just right so it can swoop in and fly overhead. It taunts you, as the wind that tangles your rotting clothing and makes you stumble is the same air that allows it to lift to the boiling, flashing sky. And then it swoops away from your pain and terror.

Never would I say this to my Schwestern or Tanten. My Mutti shall never know that my hope has long since diminished. If one of us doesn’t make it out of this terrible place, I shall be content in the knowledge that she believed I was praying for salvation. And I do pray for it, but I don’t have the faith in our words that the other women have.

We do so daily – the praying. Even the few women who were not especially religious have joined in our prayers for a savior to come through the chilling mists and broiling heat that surround us and help every prisoner escape this wretched institution.

My feet trip me as I stumble forward, lost in my thoughts.

Several quick arms reach out to catch me, and then dart back in just as fast as they reached out to help me. A covert glance around under the false show of looking for the correct pile reveals to me that no Aufseherin is nearby.

I am safe, and so are my faceless helpers – if just for today. If I had fallen, the guards far away would have seen my form on the ground amidst the endless sea of bustling legs. The Aufseherin closest would have pulled out her gun, and that would be the end of me.

I have seen it happen before, to another Fraulein at my side. This was before we fully understood just what a single mistake would do to us. Not one of my fellows or I even attempted to catch her, for we did not even consider a guard shooting a tripping girl to be on our highest list of concerns.

That day, we learned that we all must watch out for one another – or our violent guards would tear us into pieces, as the others looked on in helpless, guilt-ridden dismay.

There are still stains of her blood on my clothes. But when I look down, I can see no evidence of them. The threads are moldy, the fabric decaying on my very body. My own blood would not even show on these clothes now, if it were to spill while I wore them.

When I am sure that I will not be caught, the Rabe catches my eye again, her piercing gaze drawing mine like a magnet. She has not moved the whole time she’s been here. Her stony gaze pins me like a butterfly under a tack, even though my limbs move mechanically alongside the other workers.

I wonder if her inky coverings would darken with blood, or if – like my rags, like the rainwater – they would roll right off and drip to the sodden ground.

If I were to be shot right now, I wonder if my blood would soak into the ground alongside the clear rainwater. I wonder if any Fraulein would pause in her work, momentarily mourning my loss before struggling back to her duties. I wonder if my Mutti would discover my demise in the dark, after we’ve been sent to our beds after the day is done.

My dark thoughts are not enough to stop me from wondering how the guards can even think of making us work in this pouring storm. It is as close to a real shower as we’ve had in months, but definitely not good for our health.

At first, we were all relishing in becoming clean again. Now that the cold has settled firmly into our bones, I know that we are all wondering when hypothermia will set in. There will be a rash of colds, the flu and bronchitis very soon if we are not allowed to stop our laboring.

I don’t think anyone realizes the irony of the pure, clear, clean water running down our faces, our bodies. They wash the dirt away and rinse our skin clean, only for our bodies to become soaked in mud and sweat again.

But the rain cannot reach our souls. It cannot change our bodies, our minds, our thoughts, or our religion.

It cannot draw out whatever it is that makes these Vaterland worshippers hate. It cannot cleanse us, no matter how long we work in it. Whatever the wardens of the camp think, they cannot wash out what they disapprove of in their prisoners.

The Rabe on the fence, tiring of her enjoyment in watching us suffer through the hours, finally lifts her wings against the crystallizing downpour. As I pause, hunched over and out of sight of any Aufseherin committed enough to stand outside and watch us work, the bird looks me in the eye.

Her gaze is cold and merciless, lacking in pity at my plight. With an effortless thrust of her feathered appendages, she falls up into the clouds, allowing a current of air to carry her away.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to follow that beautiful, free bird in its flight away from pain and torture. This caged pit shall swallow me whole.

And it will become my grave.

German Words:
[1] Rabe – raven

[2] Aufseherin – female Nazi guard

[3] Ravensbrück – concentration camp in Nazi Germany

[4] Deutschland – Germany

[5] Vaterland – Fatherland, the Nazi Germany name for Germany

[6] alten Damen – older ladies or older women

[7] Fraulein – young woman; ‘Miss’

[8] siebzehn – seventeen

[9] Mutti – informal, shortened version of ‘mother’

[10] sonnig – sunny

[11] Frau – woman; ‘Mrs.’ or wife

[12] Schwestern - sisters

[13] Tanten – aunts

[14] “Warum?” – “Why?”

[15] “Wie konntest du?” – “How could you?”

[16] “Was ist das?” – “What is that?”

[17] Väter – fathers

[18] Brüder – brothers

[19] Mutter – mother

And...that's it. Hopefully I didn't depress you too much just from that story. ;)

I hope you enjoyed it, though.

BlueSea14

Another Depressing Incident...

2008-04-30T02:10:39Z

Wow, I'm on a roll of depressing moods. Just when I thought I was out of them... :)

Anyway.

A while back, I wrote this short story for this contest, the Holocaust Contest. I worked pretty hard on it, and it was actually one of the few things I thought I did a pretty good job on when it comes to my writing. It was the first piece I'd ever let my parents read (mostly because I'm not to sure that letting them read my Fanfiction is the best way to let them see my writing skills because they don't think of it as serious writing). And I was really proud of it.

There was supposed to be an awards night or presentation night or whatever it was called - tomorrow, at the Playhouse wher ethey do other community stuff. And I was really looking forward to that. I mean, I write a lot, and people read my stuff and like it, but the thing is I've never actually had anyone say to me - actually say, as in out loud - that they like my writing, save a couple of my friends who've read my stuff. That's about three of them, I think - and really, I love that but...there's just something about people who you don't know, telling you you're a good writer, that's really, really nice. You know?

So...they cancelled it. The annual contest is cancelled. I'm not even sure if I was a finalist or not. I'm not even sure if I'm going to find out if I was or wasn't. I don't even know why they cancelled it.

It all boils down to I feel pretty crappy about it, just because I was looking forward to seeing if my writing was really good enough to enter into a contest - and win, you know? Or, in this thing, not win persay, but be a finalist. Whatever. Same difference, you know? Just...I might be a popular writer and my friends (who've read my stories) say that they're pretty good, but that's not the same as actually having a panel of people you've never met, who aren't biased and who do this kind of thing a lot...tell you that your work is pretty good. Awarding you 'finalist' status in a contest.

I've never entered any contests for writing before, so that was another thing that was new for me. And now, I don't even know if I'm even going to learn if I was a finalist or not.

So that's my disappointment of the day. *Sigh* And I only found out about ten minutes ago.

I really should relabel this as my Depressing Moments journal, because it seems like everything I type into here is...uh, angst, depression, unhappiness. Kind of. Well, not all, but a heck of a lot of it.

BlueSea14

The Argument (Angst. Be Wary)

2008-04-24T04:16:41Z

Rita (if she wants to put up with my miserable monologue today) -

This is what happened during the fight that was today (Wednesday, 4/23) between my parents and my brother.

We were eating dinner, and my mom is currently on a kick about us all eating dinner together as a family (I think because my brother is one year away from graduating high school and I'm two years away from it, so she knows our time left together is short). Dinner was just about over but no one could leave yet because Mom and Dad were still carrying on a bit of a conversation (which somehow means we're 'still eating', I'm not sure how...) *Sigh

Then - I don't know how or why or what - but somehow the subject of my brother's late work came up. He's been slipping a lot more this year. First, he was in IB like me (freshman year) but dropped out of that because it was too hard. Then in his sophomore year, he was struggling a lot with work. This year, it's still the same - except last year he had a 'C' average, I think (not sure). This year, he's got D's. And I think a lot. I just don't know, because they don't tell me everything - I just know what I overhear when they have their big, serious grown-up discussions.

Anyway, they asked him about this late work or absent or incomplete or whatever work that he was told to do over a month ago. He's still working on it. So they were PO'd and already tearing into him about this - but the thing is, this is the first time I've been right there while they were arguing. I've usually locked myself up in my room, which is where I spend most of my time because there's none of that tension when I'm locked away. So they started in on him - he has to do better, he should have finished this work already because it's ridiculous that he's taking so long for a few assignments, whatever. Blah, blah, blah.

I was also unsure about whether or not they knew that my brother didn't want to go to college. I thought - after another argument I intercepted a bit of a while back - that they do know about it. But the thing is, I wasn't sure about it until today. Today, my dad told my brother the deal about insurance.

My parents found out that if he doesn't go to college, their insurance isn't going to cover him. Meaning medical, auto, whatever insurance - if he's not a student, he can't be in their plan. When a young adult turns 18 in the United States, they are legally an adult. This means that if they do not go to college, then they can't be covered in their parent/guardian's insurance plans: they're on their own. So if my brother doesn't go to college, he has to get that insurance on his own. And he has medical things - right now, Mom and Dad's insurance covers the allergy doctor and optometrist for him (and me). But if he doesn't go to college... And that's just the med stuff. For auto insurance, if he's not a student he doesn't get the discount for paying for that insurance, either.

So they tell him that, and Dad mentions that as teachers they get that kind of stuff included in their jobs (another reason for me to pursue being a teacher, but that's not the point and I don't want to be happy about that). Not many jobs include insurance like that. If he doesn't go to college to get the higher education and a job that might include that, then he'll have to get a job that won't include insurance. He might end up with that anyway.

Then they went on with how it's already looking like he might have to settle for going to a junior college before even trying to get into a Cal State. And they made sure to point out how a lot of people are going to junior college now, as a choice instead of their only option which is what it might be for him. And even then, he can't get into a junior college on his grades. He can't get into any college with a 'D' average.

So...I had to sit there and listen to them basically tell my brother that his entire future depends completely upon how fast he finishes this late work, whether his teachers will accept it, and whether or not he will be able to even graduate.

I might be blowing it out of proportion there, but I'm honestly scared that he might not be able to graduate if his grades keep up. A 'D' is not a passing grade - if he doesn't even get credits for his classes, then that's a major blow against his college potential. If he doesn't graduate with his class, if he gets 'held back' and has to repeat classes for credits - well, what college would take a student like that compared to ones who get 'A's and 'B's and do graduate with their classes? Logically speaking.

And even if he does manage to pull himself up, he's still got this bad three years on his transcript. It's obvious - dropping out of IB, then doing poorly in sophomore year, and now in his junior year it's looking like he's barely scraping by - barely passing, if even that. He's got all this makeup work or late work or something, and all of that work has to have been given to him somehow. I mean, he hasn't missed any more school than I have, so I think it's clear he's making up work to get a passing grade.

And then there's the whole entire issue of him not wanting to go to college. Is he messing himself up? Does he really not care about all these facts that Mom and Dad threw at him? They said it again (I've heard them say it before) that he doesn't seem to realize how serious this is. That he doesn't seem to get that this isn't some game - a year from now, he's supposed to graduate. He's supposed to go to college. He's supposed to be an adult.

But he doesn't seem to be able to handle it! I'm worried, really worried - I mean, he's had at least three breakdowns this year. I can't remember how many times last year, but I know at least twice he was overworked - with the regular level of schoolwork. This year, he's started going to someone - and of course, I'm not supposed to know about that. No one has mentioned it to me, no one has told me, but I'm not oblivious. I know that he's going to someone every Friday, because Mom takes him and I went once and hello, I can read signs!

And I feel so guilty sometimes, that I seem to be able to handle this but I really can't. Like on Sunday, Mom told me that she wanted my brother to come with me to Barnes and Noble when I was going to meet some of my friends. It was definitely partly that they weren't happy with me about a movie thing the day before, when they didn't know one of my friends (a guy) was going to be there - but really, I think they trust me a lot despite that. My Mom told me that she wanted my brother to come because she wanted him to get out of the house more.

I think that a part of it, though, was that she wanted him to try and be more social or something. Like, I know he doesn't (never has) made friends well and even with the friends he does have, he doesn't interact with them easily. It's like he was an outsider at his own birthday party a couple of years ago, which made me feel like crap that I kind of had friends of my own because they sure included me while his...didn't, really.

And I hated that my mom could use this mutual, unspoken-of fear against me, because we've never talked about it. We've never said anything about this whole mess out loud, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach sometimes when I fear that there's actually something wrong with my brother. He's always been weird but that's because I'm his sister and that's just how we are, as siblings. I've never thought it was acutally anything.

Until now. When it's obvious that he's struggling to keep up with school, when he seems to be increasingly more antisocial, and when he doesn't seem to get that he's got to get his rear in gear and put some effort into creating a future for himself. I'm scared out of my mind that he's not going to plan for his future, that he's actually going to stay at home after graduating high school and not go out and make something of himself. I'm scared that he's going to drop out, even, or just plain fail high school, because he is not putting forth the effort to try and make it through high school the conventional way.

And I don't know what I could do about it, because there isn't anything I can do. I can't tell him to put some thought into his future, I can't tell him to try and do all his work, I can't make him do anything or say anything that he would listen to or try and get him to change - nothing! All I can do is watch and listen while my parents shout and tell him to do something about his failing grades or try and make him talk about whatever is bothering him.

...When he had his first breakdown it was about his friends and how he didn't feel comfortable or anything like that around him. I can just remember sitting in my room on the floor, leaning against the door as I tried not to listen to them. I remember that I felt the same way, too. I remember that I didn't really feel like my friends were my friends, persay, and that I felt like a loser and a loner even around them.

But I also remember how I handled it. I didn't go to my parents or talk to them about it. I dealt with it on my own. I just tried to ignore it and not let it bother me - and yeah, that led to a couple of very long years when, every day, I would come home and wonder what made me such a freak that my own friends didn't seem to be my friends. All through fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth grades - every day, I would wonder why I was friends with them. I would wonder why they were friends with me, why they put up with me, why I couldn't seem to let go of little things and why I could never seem to make them happy. I was so depressed, now that I think about it, because half the time - even when I was having fun, a second later I was wondering how long it could last before they started treating me like my brother's friends treated him. And then I wondered if they were and I just didn't realize it, the way I thought he didn't realize that they weren't treating him the way they treated each other.

And that was hard, but I didn't break down once. I didn't cry myself to sleep, although sometimes - on days when I knew I had said something stupid or mean when I didn't meant to say something along either line - I wished that I could have. But I was afraid my parents woudl hear me, and I didn't want to add to their worries about their kids (I still don't). And I never wanted anyone's help with my problems - maybe because I had no one I could ask for help, or maybe just because I was too proud to admit I needed it.

That was then, this is now. I'm better, I've found ways that I love to deal with stress. I've found people I can lean on, even though old habits die hard and it's tough for me to let myself depend on anyone, because I've always been paranoid about driving them off with neediness.

But he hasn't found that the way I have. Maybe he just hasn't looked for inner strength, or maybe he simply doesn't have it, or maybe he just chooses not to use it. Whatever. All I know is that I get even more worried about him than I can help, because I think I have something of an idea about what he's going through and all I know is that I can't help him at all, anyway, because I got through it on my own somehow and he didn't and he's just not going to get it together the way I did.

I worry about him a lot because I can't do anything to help him. I worry about his future because he doesn't seem to do that for himself. I stress out over what he's going to do with his life and I wish that I could cut it out, but I just can't stop taking in his problems as my own. I just can't help it, and I've tried a few times but it's ridiculously hard not to be worried about him.

So the argument today, during dinner, made me feel like I was listening in on something I shouldn't be hearing. It made me feel like I was intruding on something that was all his, not something that I needed to hear or know about becaues I'm a 'good little girl' and doing what my parents want me to do.

So. There's nothing I can do about it, there's nothing that I could try, and there's no way to get myself to stop freaking out over it because I've tried over and over and it just doesn't work.

So. That was my shaky voice. And thank you for the distraction by way of Youtube, Supernatural conventions and desperate distraction-seeking in the form of calling a friend. ;) :/

BlueSea14

Updates and Changes

2008-03-28T05:38:06Z

Rita (and others) -

I'm sure you've noticed the new setup of my LiveJournal. :) I thought the black one was too depressing. So I changed it! And I also went back to my other entries. I deleted a few of my private ones, and I also went back through my others. Just because. ;) I was bored, what can I say?

Today is Thursday, and I'm very tired but I can't go to sleep yet. I just can't seem to falll asleep. *Sigh*

I'm excited. My birthday party is on Saturday. :) Yay! My birthday itself was last Thursday, and I had a nice day then. I updated every single one of my fanfiction stories and I also started two new ones. :) So much work, so little time... Because I know that once I start college, my time for fanfiction will be history. That might be two years from now, but it's already taken two years to get as little as I have into 'Sunrise'. Eep!

Anyway, I can't wait for all my friends to come over to my house on Saturday for my birthday party. Just because I really want to have fun and hang out, while we can. I'm always depressing like that, thinking that the worst might happen. I hate that about myself. I'm so cynical. Sometimes I wonder if I have depression because I get those black moods. But that's what makes the fun times sweeter, I guess. When we have fun, I'm happy and I don't worry about all the bad stuff. :)

I suppose that's it for now. That wasn't very much, but whatever! :) LOL

BlueSea14

Because Rita Told Me Too...

2008-02-08T01:03:18Z

Hello, Rita.

I've decided to change the name of the person I'm writing to because RITA HAS DECIDED TO READ MY JOURNAL... :P So now I am no longer going to refer to a non-existant person, but rather a friend of mine. Who I have told not to read, but she's not going to do it anyway.

Anyway.

The recent months of school have been pretty good for me. I gues the most that can be said is that my crush has moved from one boy to another: Rita, you know who it is. :) But I'm still not going to write his name down here....LOL

I have a new obsession! :) Supernatural : a TV series on the CW on Thursdays at 9:00PM Pacific Time. Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. Love 'em! Love the show, love the script, love the story plot... just overall, absolutely LOVE it!!!! :)

Watch the show. It is VERY worth it. :)

My obsession with Fanfiction is also ongoing and continuous, and I have even added Supernatural fanfictions because I love the show so much. :) Of course, it added onto my already humongous workload and time that goes into my stories, but I don't really care. I just love writing too much to ever even think of giving it up. :)

I guess the most important things in my life are my stories and my friends. My group (it feels so nice to say that) is much tighter than last year. Almost like last year was just finding each other and finding our places in our group - something metaphoric and full of meaning like that, because it really does mean a whole lot to me.

Well, to all of us, I think - but it definitely means a lot to me. I mean, we named ourselves - we're the Seven Dorks. And it's just so...cool. I mean, I've never had friendships like this, ones that are this close and tight and all, and it means so much to me I don't even know how to say it. This is the first time I can remember ever having friends that I can share really important stuff with.

Like, Renee and Michelle and Sabrina I could talk to and hang out with, but that was only at school. And that was only about stupid little things - I never told them all the things that I told - yes, you, ;) - Rita.

And I could never feel comfortable enough to stop worrying for one second whether I was saying something stupid or acting weirdly or just being anything other than normal. I know I'm not normal. What kind of normal person can start thinking about stories that she wants to write in the middle of a conversation with her friends? I have a freaking split personality or something!

Anyway. The point is that these new friends mean a lot more to me than I think I'll let the majority of them know - considering Rita already knows because I've already told her all of it, this is just rehashment here. Rambling on in concrete word form instead of verbally over the phone.

So...I guess that it can be assumed that my friendships are good, so much better than they ever have been, and I'm just so content with my life that it feels great.

College is two years off, which kind of scares me - but at the same time, I'm looking forward to it. I think I can handle being out on my own, living my own life, having my friends to talk to as much as I possibly can. These friendships I have right now, I want them to last into my adult life because I couldn't imagine better friends once we're older. I can't really imagine a life without them in it, in some way or another.

Call it a crazy schoolgirl fantasy if you will, but sometimes I catch myself wondering if we really will be friends in the future. Like, 'be a bridesmaid and come to my wedding' type friends. Seriously, I can imagine all Seven Dorks at my wedding - to whomever or wherever it may be. Weird, yes, probably to most teenagers my age. But to me, it doesn't seem weird. It seems normal.

But...I don't know. Maybe it's a bit weirder to be thinking about your other future goals. Like, for instance, I want to be a foster mother/parent (depending on if I"m married or not, w/e). I just know that I want to make a difference, and I believe I can help kids if I do that for them. I want to. And I already decided that I'm doing that if I can.

And I'm also going to be an English teacher, if I can help it. I really want to be a teacher, just because my parents are and my grandpa (mom's side) was and I really want to keep that 'tradition', you could call it, going. I don't know why, I just do. Anyway, if I find that in college, it's no longer my interest, I do know what will be my interest.

So, if teaching turns out not to be my cup of tea, I'll have the background and can be more successful when writing. I plan - even if I do end up teaching - to also work on writing my own stories. Possibly even publishing them, if a publisher thinks that I have what it takes. And if I can't find a way to get my work off the ground - well, I wrote for myself and I love what I write, most of the time, and besides which - I also plan to do editing while working on my own books.

Of coruse, I'll only do editinng work if I can't go through with teaching. I can get a job as an editor in a publishing house, help other authors with their own writing. Because there's one thing that I really love to do, and that's read. And I enjoy correcting mistakes when I read, too, and I just know that I could really enjoy reading over books that are going to be published and correct them. Find mistakes and fix them. I'd love it. I'd just love it. :)

Anyway....that's all for now.

And nothing you didn't already know about me, Rita, so I don't care if you read this one. :) LOL.

And just for your information, Dopey the Dork, this is why I was so distracted on the phone with you. :) LOL

BlueSea14

"The Sharpest Lives" - 'Hear No Evil' Song Analysis

2007-08-10T20:32:11Z

I have to post it somewhere! :) This is my analysis of the song "The Sharpest Lives" by My Chemical Romance in relation to my Fanfiction titled 'Hear No Evil' for Twilight. It's a bit random for an entry, but w/e! :)

I must add that I spoil some things in there that you may not know yet, depending on when you read this and how far the story has gotten since then.

"Well it rains and it pours" - Bella - the weather of Forks
"When you're out on your own" - Bella - Bella is all alone
"If I crash on the couch can I sleep in my clothes" - Bella - Bella at the Cullens' house, being typical Bella and thinking of everyone else before herself
"Cause I spent the night dancing" - Bella - Bella happy after senior prom (end of story)
"I'm drunk I suppose" - Bella - when she's starting her relationship with Edward and 'drunk on love'
"If it looks like I'm laughing I'm really just asking to leave" - Bella - Bella using sign language to communicate
"This alone" - Bella - she is alone (until she finds the Cullens)
"You're in time for the show" - Bella > Cullens - when they finally meet her (because she's so different from normal vampires, it's a 'show')
"You're the one that I need" - Bella - Bella to Edward ;)
"I'm the one that you loathe" - Bella - Bella to Victoria
"You can watch me corrode" - Bella - Bella about her diminishing hope (nearer the end)
"Like a beast in repose" - Bella - Bella on the thirst of vampires
"Cause I love all the poison" - Victoria - Victoria, and 'poison' is her, making a mess of Bella's life because of James (what Victoria does to Bella, basically)
"Away with the boys in the van" - Bella - when she goes off with her new brothers on a hunting trip
(Chorus - or 'reused lines throught song')
"I've really been on a bender and it shows" - Bella - Bella referring to her years as a lone vampire
"So why don't you blow me a kiss before she goes" - Bella - Bella to Edward before the big chase begins
"Give me a shot to remember" - Bella - Bella talking about 1) her inability to remember her past clearly at first and 2) the venom 'shot' that transformed her - when she's talking to Victoria
"And you can take all the pain away from me / A kiss and I will surrender" - Bella - Bella to Edward (mostly about their relationship when he's hesitant to get closer to her becuase he thinks he's souless and doesn't deserve her)
"The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead" - Bella - 'sharpest lives' = vegetarian vampire life (from there it's literal)
"A light to burn all the empires" - Volturi - Volturi thinking about Bella's differences and wondering if the Cullen family is a danger to their rule if it keeps adding members
"So that the sun is ashamed to rise and be" - Bella - Bella's plan and her thought that she can get rid of Victoria herself, without letting her new famiyl be put in danger
"In love with all of these vampires" - Bella - Bella about the Cullens :)
"So you can leave like the sane abandoned me" - Victoria - Victoria about Bella, and her eagerness to get rid of her because she still sees Bella as a threat to her love for James even though James doesn't remember her ( the 'sane abandoned her')
(No longer Chorus, just the rest of the lines)
"There's a place in the dark" - Bella - Bella about the darkness that she's lived in for so long without the Cullens
"Where the animals go" - Edward - Edward referring to where they're going to hunt when they go together
"You can take off your skin in the cannibal glow" - Bella - Bella viciously snarling at Victoria in their final facedown (basically, 'go kill yourself you monster' is my rought translation)
"Juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands" - no POV - about Bella and her love for Edward
"Drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, Romeo" - no POV - about Edward's thought that Bella ran off to face Victoria alone and he might be the cause of it (I'm not sure how it's going to work out in the story, I haven't reached that scene yet) :)

So, that's it! I hope you enjoyed the in-depth look at my mind (this is how I pull apart songs and relate them to my stories). :) Thanks for enjoying my weirdness!

Oh, and I have 2 DAYS until school starts again! NOOO.....but then again, I get to see everyone again. That's cool. :) And back on the other hand, I don't have much time left for my stories once school starts. Darn it!

The Weekend of June 9 and 10

2007-06-11T01:10:14Z

This weekend has been one of the best weekends ever!

Yesterday was Saturday. I got to go to one of my friends' houses for a pool party! It was so much fun! We talked for hours and swam. I think I went in the water at 1:00 and I kept on swimming for most of the time, only occasionally getting out! I left around 8:00 or 8:30. I'm still waterlogged!

My thorat is sore from talking and laughing! I've never had so much fun before, and this was just the best time I ever had with any of my friends! We want to do that again sometime, and I have to say that I wish we could hang out like that all the time!

Today I just went to another friends' house for a barbeque - her parents know my parents and she was in my Dad's class in 3rd grade. We went swimming - again! - and I'm once more waterlogged and exhausted. The bonus there is that I borrowed a book from her and so I have something to read this summer vacation!

On June 30th, I have my ballet recital! I'm so excited - the last recital I had at LPAC was back when I was still doing Dancin' in Acton, in 2nd grade before moving out to West Palmdale. I joined dance team for 7th and 8th grade years, but this is a recital, which is totally different from a competition! i'm so excited about being able to preform on stage - I love the LPAC theater!

But I'm in the teen/adult class, which means that apparently, I'm able to stay up really late at night. So we're doing the 8:00 show, the last show of the three that Desert Stars does.Ugh...lucky me! And none of my friends have ever gone to a competition/recital/anything out of school for me before, so I'm pretty much preforming for my parents and possibly my grandparents - but my grandma is going steadily blind, so I don't think that's going to happen. :( Oh well! :)

Because on July 3rd, my Dad has set in stone the flight out of California and I'm headed to Florida for Walt Disney World! We're sticking around there for a few days before going on a Disney Cruise, and then back to W.D.W. before going to Universal Studios, Orlando and Clearwater Beach!

If my dad gives me the itinerary, I'll probably put it up here! And I hope he brings his laptop as well, because then I can still get online and check out my Fanfiction and Fictionpress accounts! :)

http://www.fictionpress.com/~thewritingflower

http://www.fanfiction.net/~bluesea14

I had a great past two days - and the entire week, I was able to laze about all day and do nothing! Of course, I wrote a lot for Fanfiction and even put up two of my original stories on Fictionpress, but other than that I did nothing! Considering that I think of writing as a thing to do on vacation, I'd say that sounds like a definite career option...hm, must explore that possibility of a side job along with being an English teacher... ;) :)

Anyway, I should head back to my stories. "Desecration Smile" hasn't been updated in a while...That's why the pic is different on this one, BTW...I designed it for "D.S."

See you later!

FREEDOM!

2007-06-02T23:36:03Z

I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

School is out for the summer as of YESTERDAY! This is fantastic! I don't think I've ever been so happy this year!

Okay, scratch that - I was really happy when I made new friends and despite the amount of angst and "Oh, no one understands me least of all my oldest friends"-ness here, I did actually have a very good school year.

But I'm so happy that it's finally summertime!

I have to hang around home for a while. My balley recital is coming up on June 30 and after that, I am heading off to DisneyWorld in Florida for summer vacation! We're going to go on a Disney Cruise this year, and to Universal Studios Orlando.

Next Saturday I'm going to a pool party for the end of the school year, and then the week after that I'm going to go to my friend's sweet sixteen party. She's almost a year older than me! Darn it! :)

Anyway, I can't wait for the summer to kick off but right now, I;m really glad I have time to sit back and write my stories.

Speaking of which, I'd better get back to writing! I have to finish the next chapter of 'Sunrise' ASAP!

Enjoy your own summers, ladies and gents, because I sure as hell want to enjoy mine!

Angry. Very, very angry.

2007-04-14T16:32:39Z

Sometimes I am so mad at Fanfiction.net that I just want to scream!

It's not bad enough that I have to write stories constantly to keep up with my reviewers' demand - even though I love writing.

Oh, no - the site has to be impossible and not let me update for 3 fucking days straight. Three days!

That's just not fair! I finished the chapter for my longest story on Wednesday, and guess what? It's Saturday. SATURDAY!

I'm so mad at the site right now. And I can't even do anything about the fucking problem! I guess I'm going to write a bunch and then when I finally can update again, I'll have a ton of chapters to put up.

But I'm still majorly pissed off at Fanfiction. I don't know what I'm going to do when the support site works again, but rest assured there will be HELL to pay on their side of the lines.

I swear that I will be sending them hate mail until I"m booted off the site if they don't let me post my stories soon. ANd I mean SOON.

Still pissed off,

Bookworm_Rose

My Birthday - Joy.

2007-03-21T00:01:19Z

Does anything absolutely, completely suck more than your friends forgetting your birthday?

I don't think so. Today was my birthday and guess what? My two best friends forgot.

That was the worst possible day of my life, really. I didn't expect anything from them, I just expected a "Happy Birthday!" because they're my friends!

And it didn't happen. Not once did they say anything about my birthday or even really talk to me. I felt as invisible as I always do, when I hang around them now. I don't know what to make of it - it feels like I'm drifting away from their group, our group, and part of me wants to hang out more with these new friends of mine. Becuase they're cool and they're nice and I actually feel visible around them.

Anyway, I heard nothing from those two best friends of mine almost all day, and then at lunch with the group I eat with, they all knew it was my birthday. Even a girl I didn't know that well said, "Happy Birthday!" to me!

It really just hurt that they didn't notice I was even carrying around a container of cookies today for my friends. Nope, they didn't even ask - I always ask them if they're carrying something or whatnot, and they didn't even NOTICE I was carrying a bag around with me.

It just really, really hurt.

One of them did just come by my house with three chocolate bars that she got me last minute and about a million apologies, but it just didn't matter that much to me any more.

It really didn't matter that they both forgot. Really, I kind of expected them to. I didn't think they would remember that it was my birthday - even though they missed my party for a soccer game on Saturday.

Because to tell the truth, we've been getting so far apart from each other lately that I don't feel like I"m part of their group anymore. I feel like the girl who stands there with them because I vaguely know them from somewhere.They're best friends - and I'm the one who hangs around with them.

I guess that let sme feel a bit mroe glad that I'm getting closer to this other group I'm in now. I might not know them as well as I did, and it feels a tiny bit like I'm intruding at times until I shake it off, but that's just because they've known each other longer.

And even when I feel awkward, they still extend a hand of friendship through it. SO I do belong, even if I'm just beginning to. It's an odd feeling, to actually belong.

Look at that - I sound like some angst-ridden pathetic, needy person. Uck - time to stop the angsting and get over myself, huh?

All right: lunch was great. I had so much fun - everyone is a bit crazy and I laughed so hard, but I had the greatest time ever. Sara(h?) gave me a bag of M&M's - YES - and Elinda, a bunch of Dove chocolates - YES - and everyone was happy and it completely took my mind off of the angsty part of my day.

Hopefully, things will get better though. I still hope they will with those friends, but I think we're just drifting too far apart sometimes. :(

bookworm_rose @ 2007-03-03T10:03:00

2007-03-03T18:12:13Z

I hate arguing with my mom and despite the fact that I know she means well, sometimes I just want to either run away or scream my lungs out at her.

It would be so much easier if she just realized that I don't want the sweater even though it shrunk in the wash. It's an XL size - of course I don't want it!

By trying to give it to me it's like she was saying that the size would fit me. And then she said out loud that it would. I don't care if it would or not - the point is that she thought an XL sweater taht she owned would fit me!

I guess it's mostly a hit on my ego - or maybe my self-esteem. I mean, you just DON'T go up to your daughter when you're larger than she is and say, "I think that this sweater of mine would fit you."

And you don't try to persuade her to wear it by saying, "It's wool and really warm." ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN SUMMER IS COMING AND SAID DAUGHTER WANTS NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH A SWEATER THREE TIMES HER SIZE.

I know I'm not thin and that's bad enough, but when she actually says things like that to me it hurts. It shouldn't because that's not how she meant it but it still really, really hurts.

I'm done. And yeah, it's angsty - deal with it. I'm NOT in the mood to talk much today.

I'm Happy - Wow, What A Phenomenon

2007-02-28T22:19:07Z

Today was a good day, which means that I am now happy. Surprising, right?

Usually, I'm a tad bit angsty. But today, everything can be good.

It was a short day. I love short days at my school - it's so much fun to have the day cut short and have about 2 extra hours in which I can write my heart out for my stories.

I'm typing this in a little break I took from the chapter I am working on. It's nice to take a break every now and then - expecially when you listen to music.

I'm just grooving to the beat and loving it, really. I think that this is a big deal, in a way - that I'm not depressed at all right now. Sometimes I am just because I don't see my crush all day. That has happened before - I'm starting to think I'm obsessed. Not good.

Because it was a Wednesday, I went to eat with a group of my friends near the office building. I love hanging out with them. It's nice to have friends that I can talk to - who don't always talk about soccer or their commen interests and leave me hanging. Okay, off that topic - I promised not to be angsty today.

So, anyway, that group is pretty much Eileen, Rita, Elinda, Sarah, Malissa, Natacheau and Keith. I think that Nuper and Chao hang out too, but I don't see them as much -and I'm not sure how to spell Chao's name, but I'm pretty sure that's right. :)

I still think I'm weird, though - actually, scratch that; I know I am. Because normal people don't analyze everything their friends do, and come to conclusions like I do. I think all that analyzing for English has gotten stuck in my head.

There are two things that I notice right off the bat after two Wednesdays with the group; a) they all seem to like Keith (which he's told me himself he notices) and b) they all seem to depend on him to be there and happy in order to be happy themselves.

Of course, the first one ( a) ) is actually a bit entertaining to watch; a few of the girls always - and I mean always - situate themselves around Keith. Consequently, he's almost always moving around. It was rather funny today when Natacheau was leaning on him and he stayed because it was too cold to move - and at the same time, it was so cute. As I said when we were walking towards our next classes, "I would have thought they were going out if I didn't know that it wasn't true."

The second one ( b) ) is something a bit more simple to see, becuase he's willingly complying with it. When there's a brief silence in the group, then he's the one, through either a roundabout way or directly, that makes someoen talk again. He's almost always the one that gets them laughing, and of course there's also the way he tries to make them happy with his insane sugar rush impulses.

Honestly - I like eating pure sugar too, but that boy is crazy for doing it nearly every day. Keith on a sugar high is entertaining and scary. I swear, they feed him sugar to get a laugh because it's funny. :) Of course, I'm not complaining - the memories of those days we'll have to tell as tales to our grandchildren just because of the crazy thigns he says.

Anyway - I liked lunch today. I guess that's what I was summing it all up to. Wednesday lunches are fun and entertaining - even with my spastic insecurity issues that I can't seem to get a grip on.

Of course, I wouldn't have spastic insecurity issues if I just quit analyzing everything - but I can't seem to do that. Damn it.

Rain Free Fall

2007-02-19T18:45:33Z

It's a rainy day today. I like the rain - it looks pretty and feels wonderful.

I love the rain.

I love how the rain feels, no matter what temperature it is.

Sometimes it is nice to juststand out under the water and let it fall on my head.

It's fun running through the water with a friend, just wandering around as it falls down.

I like being able to look out my bedroom window and see the water droplets just falling.

My Fanfiction stories are getting a lot of attention today - the rain is so inspiring.

www.fanfiction.net/~bluesea14

That's me. If the website doesn't show up - the line right above - then I'll find another way to put it up.

Monday morning - no school - summer fast approaching - my stories are being written with the smallest inspiration and flowing wonderfully - could life get any more better than this?

I think I'm over my emo day from yesterday - yay! :)

U.S.A.D.

2007-02-15T02:33:23Z

Now, I'm sure you've all heard that today, February 14th, is U.S.A.D. Not Valentine's Day, because that's not a nice day. No, today is Unhappy Single's Awareness Day.

Which sucks for us people who have crushes that don't seem to like them like we like them. But, hey, there's not much we can do about that.

So, how has the past few weeks gone for me? Well, I'll tell you now that I absolutely loved Saturday and Sunday.

On Saturday, I saw a play that three of my friends were in - an ACME one at LPAC - and I thought it was so much fun to actually be in the audience instead of the stage. Don't get me wrong - I've never been in a play before in my life! But I have done dance preformances at LPAC, and I absolutely love dancing on stage for a preformance. This was the first time I knew someone who was in a play and watched a preformance on the stage without being behind stage myself, in the wings waiting to go on to dance.

Two of my friends (Julie and Eileen) and I didn't have enough money to buy three separate roses for the three friends - five bucks each? I used up most of my money at dinner! Ack! - although another one of my friends (Rita) was prepared and brought fifteen dollars to buy flowers to give them herself. So nice of her to warn us that we would have to pay so much (that was sarcasm, and not directly aimed at Rita).

Julie, Eileen and I bought three roses between ourselves and decided to hand ours to one person each.

I thought that Sarah, Natacheau and Keith were really good in the play - but I do have to say that I didn't think a lot of the cast was really all that great. It was like they didn't want to be there, doing the play, when we saw it - but at the same time, they were working so hard to make it good that I felt guilty that I didn't like it all that much. :( Well, anyway, I did think those three friends of mine were good. :)

Julie and Eileen gave the roses to Natacheau and Sarah (and Rita almost tripped me when I was handing Keith his; my toes hurt really bad for a few minutes) and barely a few minutes after that, my mom picked me up and took me home. She seemed a bit mad that it went so late, even though I warned her it would take until 10:00 or later. W/E, she got over it - I think...
Sunday

That was my friend Michelle's Quincenera - I saw Sabrina and Renee (and Kim) there; Michelle and Renee introduced me to Jake (who they met on the same D.C. trip that they met Keith on) and Oscar (who was Michelles' long-time friend).

Jake first - he was nice, he was funny, and he was head over heels for Michelle. I swear, I saw it right away - I had fun talking to him, he was really polite and nice. Good first impression - and I danced with him to some of the salsa music while we all were out on the dance floor - and then Michelle told me later that people were asking if I liked him.

I could have died - as if! Really, why would I like him? He made a good first impression, he was nice and all - but I would never like him, not really. If anything, it kind of made me wary that he was being so nice. I didn't tell either of them that, of course - they would have thought I was strange, Renee and Michelle, because they thought I got along really well with Jake there at the party - but...just, but I guess.

And Oscar made a really bad first impression on me. The first thing he did when arriving was talk only to Michelle - he didn't even so much as look at us. That was a bit embarrassing to me, because it felt a bit odd not to have him at least say 'hi'. And then he just kept quiet, and left the party early. It was a bit disconcerting.

I had fun dancing, I had fun with my friends - and then yesterday, Michelle was talking to me and I found out that they thought I was acting strange by going and dancing; like I was acting so much more different than myself, looser and I guess easygoing? I don't know exactly what she meant, but I do know this; my cheeks were so red at that, I felt like I could fry and egg on them.

Really, it kind of hurt. I didn't think I was acting any differently than I normally do. I was just having fun, dancing. All right, maybe since I take dance classes more now, I have a bit of a better control over swinging my hips that I did before, but really!

It kind of hurt. Michelle said everyone noticed how I was dancing - I didn't like that too much. She made it sound like whenever they went to the bathrooms - as the girls did in packs all night, while I only went once - they were talking about me. It feels like I'm paranoid about it, but that's what it felt like when she told me about it.

I guess that I was acting a bit differently. But the only guy I like is ____. No, I won't tell this here. That's for me to know, for my friends to know, not for an online journal. A lot of my friends know, because I'm horrible at keeping secrets about myself, but hold other's secrets tight and don't let them go. You'd think it would be suffocating, but it's not at all, holding other people's secrets inside me and letting my own right out.

But the thing that most bothered me was that my friends - who I've known since middle school - the girls I trust with everything - they couldn't even tell me that they thought I was being a bit different when I could have stopped from embarrassing myself. Because that's what it feels like - I completely and utterly made a fool of myself.

The only spotlight I like being in is one that I'm dancing in - as long as I have someone with me out there on the floor - or when I'm writing, but only if I also believe what I write is good. And that isn't all that often - in fact, I don't think I've ever truly liked something I've written and thought it was great.

What can I say? I'm more of a behind-the-scenes worker, not a star preformer. I sing when I'm by myself or when sure that no one will hear me. I don't think I've ever sang when anyone's around, except maybe on the P.E. field near Elinda. But that was outside, where I feel safe enough that my words will be carried away by the wind.

But that's what my weekend was like. It seems like it was heaven and a hell disguised as heaven. Two contradictory days, one of which was hidden in the guise of a good one.

I feel like I'm being all philospophical right now - I should knock it off. No one will care to read what I've written here in my journal, anyway. :)

You know what's sad? I have only just realized all of those things that I wrote above today. Lovely, absolutely lovely. My day of realizing just what I was seeing had to be U.S.A.D., didn't it?

Best wishes that your U.S.A.D. wasn't as full of realizations as mine.