The Writer's Block - BlueSea14's Journal

We were eating dinner, and my mom is currently on a kick about us all eating dinner together as a family (I think because my brother is one year away from graduating high school and I'm two years away from it, so she knows our time left together is short). Dinner was just about over but no one could leave yet because Mom and Dad were still carrying on a bit of a conversation (which somehow means we're 'still eating', I'm not sure how...) *Sigh

Then - I don't know how or why or what - but somehow the subject of my brother's late work came up. He's been slipping a lot more this year. First, he was in IB like me (freshman year) but dropped out of that because it was too hard. Then in his sophomore year, he was struggling a lot with work. This year, it's still the same - except last year he had a 'C' average, I think (not sure). This year, he's got D's. And I think a lot. I just don't know, because they don't tell me everything - I just know what I overhear when they have their big, serious grown-up discussions. 

Anyway, they asked him about this late work or absent or incomplete or whatever work that he was told to do over a month ago. He's still working on it. So they were PO'd and already tearing into him about this - but the thing is, this is the first time I've been right there while they were arguing. I've usually locked myself up in my room, which is where I spend most of my time because there's none of that tension when I'm locked away. So they started in on him - he has to do better, he should have finished this work already because it's ridiculous that he's taking so long for a few assignments, whatever. Blah, blah, blah. 

I was also unsure about whether or not they knew that my brother didn't want to go to college. I thought - after another argument I intercepted a bit of a while back - that they do know about it. But the thing is, I wasn't sure about it until today. Today, my dad told my brother the deal about insurance. 

My parents found out that if he doesn't go to college, their insurance isn't going to cover him. Meaning medical, auto, whatever insurance - if he's not a student, he can't be in their plan. When a young adult turns 18 in the United States, they are legally an adult. This means that if they do not go to college, then they can't be covered in their parent/guardian's insurance plans: they're on their own. So if my brother doesn't go to college, he has to get that insurance on his own. And he has medical things - right now, Mom and Dad's insurance covers the allergy doctor and optometrist for him (and me). But if he doesn't go to college... And that's just the med stuff. For auto insurance, if he's not a student he doesn't get the discount for paying for that insurance, either.

So they tell him that, and Dad mentions that as teachers they get that kind of stuff included in their jobs (another reason for me to pursue being a teacher, but that's not the point and I don't want to be happy about that). Not many jobs include insurance like that. If he doesn't go to college to get the higher education and a job that might include that, then he'll have to get a job that won't include insurance. He might end up with that anyway.

Then they went on with how it's already looking like he might have to settle for going to a junior college before even trying to get into a Cal State. And they made sure to point out how a lot of people are going to junior college now, as a choice instead of their only option which is what it might be for him. And even then, he can't get into a junior college on his grades. He can't get into any college with a 'D' average. 

So...I had to sit there and listen to them basically tell my brother that his entire future depends completely upon how fast he finishes this late work, whether his teachers will accept it, and whether or not he will be able to even graduate. 

I might be blowing it out of proportion there, but I'm honestly scared that he might not be able to graduate if his grades keep up. A 'D' is not a passing grade - if he doesn't even get credits for his classes, then that's a major blow against his college potential. If he doesn't graduate with his class, if he gets 'held back' and has to repeat classes for credits - well, what college would take a student like that compared to ones who get 'A's and 'B's and do graduate with their classes? Logically speaking.

And even if he does manage to pull himself up, he's still got this bad three years on his transcript. It's obvious - dropping out of IB, then doing poorly in sophomore year, and now in his junior year it's looking like he's barely scraping by - barely passing, if even that. He's got all this makeup work or late work or something, and all of that work has to have been given to him somehow. I mean, he hasn't missed any more school than I have, so I think it's clear he's making up work to get a passing grade. 

And then there's the whole entire issue of him not wanting to go to college. Is he messing himself up? Does he really not care about all these facts that Mom and Dad threw at him? They said it again (I've heard them say it before) that he doesn't seem to realize how serious this is. That he doesn't seem to get that this isn't some game - a year from now, he's supposed to graduate. He's supposed to go to college. He's supposed to be an adult. 

But he doesn't seem to be able to handle it! I'm worried, really worried - I mean, he's had at least three breakdowns this year. I can't remember how many times last year, but I know at least twice he was overworked - with the regular level of schoolwork. This year, he's started going to someone - and of course, I'm not supposed to know about that. No one has mentioned it to me, no one has told me, but I'm not oblivious. I know that he's going to someone every Friday, because Mom takes him and I went once and hello, I can read signs!

And I feel so guilty sometimes, that I seem to be able to handle this but I really can't. Like on Sunday, Mom told me that she wanted my brother to come with me to Barnes and Noble when I was going to meet some of my friends. It was definitely partly that they weren't happy with me about a movie thing the day before, when they didn't know one of my friends (a guy) was going to be there - but really, I think they trust me a lot despite that. My Mom told me that she wanted my brother to come because she wanted him to get out of the house more.

I think that a part of it, though, was that she wanted him to try and be more social or something. Like, I know he doesn't (never has) made friends well and even with the friends he does have, he doesn't interact with them easily. It's like he was an outsider at his own birthday party a couple of years ago, which made me feel like crap that I kind of had friends of my own because they sure included me while his...didn't, really. 

And I hated that my mom could use this mutual, unspoken-of fear against me, because we've never talked about it. We've never said anything about this whole mess out loud, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach sometimes when I fear that there's actually something wrong with my brother. He's always been weird but that's because I'm his sister and that's just how we are, as siblings. I've never thought it was acutally anything.

Until now. When it's obvious that he's struggling to keep up with school, when he seems to be increasingly more antisocial, and when he doesn't seem to get that he's got to get his rear in gear and put some effort into creating a future for himself. I'm scared out of my mind that he's not going to plan for his future, that he's actually going to stay at home after graduating high school and not go out and make something of himself. I'm scared that he's going to drop out, even, or just plain fail high school, because he is not putting forth the effort to try and make it through high school the conventional way. 

And I don't know what I could do about it, because there isn't anything I can do. I can't tell him to put some thought into his future, I can't tell him to try and do all his work, I can't make him do anything or say anything that he would listen to or try and get him to change - nothing! All I can do is watch and listen while my parents shout and tell him to do something about his failing grades or try and make him talk about whatever is bothering him.

...When he had his first breakdown it was about his friends and how he didn't feel comfortable or anything like that around him. I can just remember sitting in my room on the floor, leaning against the door as I tried not to listen to them. I remember that I felt the same way, too. I remember that I didn't really feel like my friends were my friends, persay, and that I felt like a loser and a loner even around them.

But I also remember how I handled it. I didn't go to my parents or talk to them about it. I dealt with it on my own. I just tried to ignore it and not let it bother me - and yeah, that led to a couple of very long years when, every day, I would come home and wonder what made me such a freak that my own friends didn't seem to be my friends. All through fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth grades - every day, I would wonder why I was friends with them. I would wonder why they were friends with me, why they put up with me, why I couldn't seem to let go of little things and why I could never seem to make them happy. I was so depressed, now that I think about it, because half the time - even when I was having fun, a second later I was wondering how long it could last before they started treating me like my brother's friends treated him. And then I wondered if they were and I just didn't realize it, the way I thought he didn't realize that they weren't treating him the way they treated each other. 

And that was hard, but I didn't break down once. I didn't cry myself to sleep, although sometimes - on days when I knew I had said something stupid or mean when I didn't meant to say something along either line - I wished that I could have. But I was afraid my parents woudl hear me, and I didn't want to add to their worries about their kids (I still don't). And I never wanted anyone's help with my problems - maybe because I had no one I could ask for help, or maybe just because I was too proud to admit I needed it. 

That was then, this is now. I'm better, I've found ways that I love to deal with stress. I've found people I can lean on, even though old habits die hard and it's tough for me to let myself depend on anyone, because I've always been paranoid about driving them off with neediness. 

But he hasn't found that the way I have. Maybe he just hasn't looked for inner strength, or maybe he simply doesn't have it, or maybe he just chooses not to use it. Whatever. All I know is that I get even more worried about him than I can help, because I think I have something of an idea about what he's going through and all I know is that I can't help him at all, anyway, because I got through it on my own somehow and he didn't and he's just not going to get it together the way I did. 

I worry about him a lot because I can't do anything to help him. I worry about his future because he doesn't seem to do that for himself. I stress out over what he's going to do with his life and I wish that I could cut it out, but I just can't stop taking in his problems as my own. I just can't help it, and I've tried a few times but it's ridiculously hard not to be worried about him. 

So the argument today, during dinner, made me feel like I was listening in on something I shouldn't be hearing. It made me feel like I was intruding on something that was all his, not something that I needed to hear or know about becaues I'm a 'good little girl' and doing what my parents want me to do. 

So. There's nothing I can do about it, there's nothing that I could try, and there's no way to get myself to stop freaking out over it because I've tried over and over and it just doesn't work.